YARN SAVES EARTH FROM MARTIANS!

There are two things that come to mind when I think about H.G.Wells classic science fiction novel, “The War Of The Worlds”.  First is the famous 1938 radio broadcast by Orson Welles.  Now there was one slick fellow.  Welles, not Wells.  He wasn't called an enfant terrible for nothing.   He had dramatized the novel in the form of a newscast so when people who hadn’t heard the introduction of the show tuned into it, they actually thought the Earth was really being invaded by Martians.  Quite a number of people freaked out.  The second thing I remember is that the ending in the book had such an unexpected twist to it.  In the story, the Martians were a far superior race than the people of Earth.  Their weaponry was way more  sophisticated so they had little trouble in conquering the Earth.  But an unexpected ally came to the rescue.  Microbes.  The Martians had no natural defenses for microbes.  For earthlings these were the type of bacteria that would give us a common cold or perhaps an allergy of some sort.  But for the Martians, these basically invisible creatures were totally devastating.  Even though they had humiliated the people of Earth and were clearly in control of the planet, it wasn’t long before the Martians started dropping like flies.  While Earth  did emerge victorious, it was left to clean up a huge mess and it was forced to face the fact that it wasn’t the King of the Hill it thought it was.

I have great respect for H.G. Wells.  He wasn’t what I’d call a riveting writer, but the fact that his imagination came up with such a wild tale way back in the nineteenth century when space travel was barely a dream, well, you do have to tip your hat to him.  But had I been around back in the late 1800's and had I had the pleasure of knowing Mr. Wells, I might have given him the following unsolicited literary advice.

“Herbert, it’s a damn good story but it is drier than the Mojave Desert.  You need to inject a little humor into this massively depressing tale.  What about this?  We throw out the microbe ending.  Let’s have the Martians die of something else.  Something really unexpected.  Now earlier in the book you’ll have to develop the idea that the Martians had a keen sense of fashion.  You would go into great detail how first, their fighting armor and then, their everyday clothes were more original in design and in materials than anything the earthlings had ever come up with.  You would have a chapter detailing how, even though the Martians had little respect for anything made by man, especially their insignificant weaponry, they would have been quite smitten with the concept of knitwear.  You know, sweaters, vests, scarves, hats, the whole works.  It turns out that Martians have no equivalent of wool back home in Mars so they were terrifically fascinated by the whole knitting industry.  Once their invasion was pretty much under control, the Martians would have quickly learned how to knit and how to make pretty things for themselves.  But here comes the kicker, Herbert.  There would be something in sheep’s wool that would be absolutely deadly to the Martians.  It would be so itchy that all the Martians would be unable to stop scratching, even after they took off the offending garment.  Yes, Herbert, they would scratch themselves to death.  Yarn would have saved the day.”

Now H.G. Wells might have liked that suggestion or he might not have.  But one should never underestimate the hidden power of yarn.  Years from now, when the first astronauts finally land on Mars, if I were NASA, I’d have them take a ball or two of really itchy wool yarn, just in case.      

STASH

Knute’s International Knitting Dictionary defines the word “stash” as follows:  Unused yarn which is discreetly stored in a house, apartment, garage or any other space with storage capabilities.  It goes further and states that there are three types of stashes. The first is described as yarn that is specifically earmarked for a future project.  The second is defined as yarn that is left over from a finished project.  The third type is bluntly described in the following manner:  Yarn that was bought while suffering from temporary insanity, without a specific project in mind, and that will most likely never be used.  These definitions demand further analysis.

The word “discreetly” intrigues me.  I myself have only been knitting for a little over a year so I have not had the opportunity to amass what could be considered a MONSTER STASH.  Indeed, I am a little ashamed to say that my stash consists of two bags of yarn.  Is my stash stored in a discreet manner?  You bet.  With such a miniscule amount, how could it not be?  But what of people who have copious amounts of unused yarn?  “Discreetly” suggests that this extra yarn is stored in such a way as to be visually unobtrusive.  I’m curious as to whether or not this is true for all knitters.  The only stash I’ve seen is Cathy’s and that doesn’t really count because yarn store owners don’t really have stashes.  Every ball of yarn they have, even if it’s stored at home, could technically be called inventory.  But I really would love to see how people store their excess yarn.  No doubt, there are those that are super-organized in their yarn storing process.  And no doubt, there are those that do their storing in a more relaxed and possibly haphazard manner.  In ten years, when my stash has multiplied in a manner similar to rabbits, I suspect I will be in the latter camp.  But no matter how sloppy it may look to an outsider, if you were to ask me in ten years, “Fred where is that half a ball of pink angora you had leftover from Cathy’s Christmas present from 2015?, I will know exactly where that half a ball is.

Though the size of my stash is small, I can state that I do have the three types of stashes defined in the aforementioned reference book.  One of my two bags has yarn that will be soon be transformed into a blanket.  Not this year, but definitely in 2013.  The other bag has odds and ends left over from already finished projects.  And it also holds one ball of that third type that was so curiously defined.  I should say now that whoever the lexicographer is for the esteemed tome, Knute’s International Knitting Dictionary, he has a twisted sense of humor.  Temporary insanity?   I’m sure there are some of us who at least one time in our lives bought a ball of yarn or maybe two where we later might say, “Yikes!  Why in heaven’s name did I ever buy this monstrosity?”  I caught myself saying this just the other day while I was re-organizing my small stash.

The few times I’ve visited other yarn stores I always make it a point to buy at least one thing.  I might purchase an appealing yarn that Cathy doesn’t carry or perhaps something interesting in the sale bin.  But there was one yarn store in another state where the yarn that appealed to me was stuff that Cathy already carried.  And there was nothing in the sale bin that pleased my eye.  But I had already told myself that I would buy one thing.  Well, I finally made a rather rash decision.  I bought a ball of really ugly novelty yarn.  Why?  I don’t know.  I have no desire to knit with it.  It is truly hideous.  It sits in the bottom of my tiny stash waiting for its moment to shine.  It’s going to have a long wait.  But I insist I wasn’t temporarily crazy when I bought it.  Honest.  I’m proud of my stash.  Even that one mistake of a ball that is better left undescribed.  I suppose I will use it one day.  It would make a lovely wash cloth with which to clean a dirty lawnmower or something.