Some customers at Montoya Fiber Studio have been openly wondering about my blog. Does Fred have writer's block? Is his computer not working? Has the blog been shut down by Homeland Security? These are all questions that have been posed to my wife, Cathy, owner of Montoya Fiber Studio. Her response? "Don't know. You'll have to ask him." Here then is my official response to these queries. No, I do not have writer's block. Only professional writers are allowed to suffer through that indignity. My computer works fine though I myself still struggle in mastering all its wizardry. And finally, Homeland Security has informed me that my blog, though offensive to some key people in the Government, will be allowed to continue on its merry way. What's been causing the delay (around six months) is this: I have been working on a secret project that will revolutionize the world of yarn.
Like most non-scientists, I have a very slim understanding of the work of Albert Einstein. Yes, I know that E = mc squared stands for Energy equals Mass times the Speed of Light squared and I know that this formula changed forever the world of science, leading to uses of atomic energy both wonderful and devastating. I also know that his General Theory of Relativity takes the study of gravity to a very advanced level and allows for some weird fourth dimension called spacetime. But do I comprehend the how or the why of Einstein's work? Of course not. I'm having enough trouble grasping the concepts of Fair Isle knitting. But it is Einstein's other work that has been taking up my free time these last six months. I speak of the groundbreaking work that Einstein did for the SSK, the Society for Sophisticated Knitting.
Apparently, Einstein was a closet knitter and worked feverishly on improving the technique of knitting so that more people would enjoy and benefit from this great craft. His work on the Raglan sweater is revolutionary. But his Raglan sweater formulas are only a small percentage of the knitting ideas that he conceptualized. Scribbled notes exist of mathematical knitting formulas that remain unexplained. They are kept under lock and key in the SSK vaults in Switzerland. Due to the deep respect that the Swiss people have for my knitting blog, the SSK was gracious enough to allow me a peek at these undeveloped ideas of Einstein. One particular formula grabbed my attention. K1(P2) > YO squared. Any knitter might theorize that this formula stands for Knit one times Purl two is greater than Yarn Over squared. Of course, from a knitting perspective, this makes no sense whatsoever. After several weeks of drinking nothing but cheap Swiss wine, I theorized that what Einstein was trying to create was the perfect synthetic yarn. A giant mental leap led me to the Periodic Table where I discovered that K, P, Y and O are symbols for chemical elements. That would be K for Potassium, P for Phosphorus, Y for Yttrium and O for Oxygen. The numbers refer to isotopes. Through means both legal and illegal I was able to come up with these elements in their pure forms. (Let me tell you something. That Yttrium is not easy to find.) Four months of experimentation in my home lab has me on the verge of perfecting this most scintillating of synthetic yarns. The main problem is that it only comes out in Super, Super, Super Bulky yarn, knittable only with size 35 needles. Also, it can only exist in the color yellow and it does not accept traditional dyes. Once I manage to iron out these minor kinks, this beautiful yarn will be available for purchase exclusively at Montoya Fiber Studio. We will also be selling lead lined knitting gloves as knitting with this yarn for more than two continuous hours will make your hands glow.
Speaking of Raglan sweaters, notice the fine detailed work on the one my Einstein doll is wearing in the window of Montoya Fiber Studio. The pattern for this miniaturized sweater is available for free for anyone able to successfully explain to me what the heck spacetime is or for anyone who buys 35 balls of yarn at one time.